The loss of a baby is difficult and sometimes what you say to someone who is grieving can actually make it harder.

 

Let me forewarn you, I’m annoyed and I need to vent. This isn’t going to be pretty. I apologize in advance.

 

I know that the situation Rob and I have recently endured with losing a full term baby is unfathomable. It was exactly that in my eyes before it happened. Nothing prepares you for experiencing a loss such as this. In this situation, there are certain things that I do not want to hear. Moreover, the last thing I need or want is pity. Please excuse me while I vent about all these annoying things…

 

1. Please do not tell me that God needed another angel. This insinuates that God did this to us. I do not believe that for a second and it is definitely not what I want to hear. If he needed another angel, he could have taken someone else that is 100 years old…someone who has lived a full life on this Earth. I know it is selfish for me to want Everly here with us. I wholeheartedly believe that she is in heaven and she is rejoicing because she has eternal life with our Lord and Savior. However, here on Earth the emptiness in our hearts remain. This is tough and I am sure that is not going to change. We will always feel as if we are missing someone in our family…because we are!

 

2. Never, ever tell me that we can have another baby. How do you know? Many people have trouble getting pregnant or trouble carrying a baby to full term. Now that we have had a stillborn, any subsequent pregnancies are “high-risk.” This means that when we are pregnant again doctors will want to put the baby and me through many extra tests. In any case, the point is having another baby will never replace Everly. I carried her for 37.5 weeks. She was full term. I gave birth to her then walked out of the hospital with empty arms. Therefore, it does not matter if I can have another baby. I will continue to think of Everly for the rest of my life.

 

3. Don’t tell me you are sorry. That phrase was nice right after we lost our beautiful baby girl. Now when you say it, it is annoying and frankly pisses me off. I do not want your pity. It does not change what happened. Some days are harder than other days but the last thing I want to hear is how sorry you are that I am having a hard day. That makes me want to punch you…with love of course. I know you are sorry and so am I. Just keep it to yourself. What I need are prayers…lots of them. God wants my husband and me to use this as our testimony. How? I am not quite sure yet. However, I do know that losing Everly Eden inspired me to start writing…a desire God placed in my heart a long time ago.

 

4. Quit acting as if I am fragile. Life is for the living. I am living my life…life with a toddler does not allow for anything else. If I spent every waking minute dwelling on the fact that I lost my baby girl I would be depressed. My toddler needs a stable home and so most of my mourning occurs behind closed doors. Don’t get me wrong, I want Charis to know about Everly. I want her to understand that loss happens in life. I also want her to know that it is ok to move on.

 

5. Just talk about it. Seriously. If you feel like you want to bring up what happened to us … Please. Bring. It. Up. The problem is if you want to and you hold back it becomes the elephant in the room. I hate that. It is annoying and awkward. When I get that feeling…like there is an elephant in the room, I am getting better at broaching the subject. I guess that is the best solution for this one!

 

6. Don’t avoid me because you are either pregnant or you just had a baby. Yes, it might be tough for me depending on the day. However, I would have to live under a rock if I never wanted to see a pregnant woman or a newborn ever again. Seriously, after something like this happens it seems like it constantly smacks you in the face. For instance, I go to the grocery store and I see two little girls about the same age difference as Charis and Everly walking hand in hand. So much for a quick trip to the store…now it becomes a struggle to hold back tears. Charis and I go to the auto body shop to get an oil change. We start talking to another patron who asks if she is my only child. As hard as all of these situations are, they also make me stronger. They make my heart hurt but it is only preparing me for what God has planned.

God has a plan and every day I am getting closer to uncovering His plan. We know that God turns all things good for those who trust in Him. Let me tell you, I trust and have more faith than ever before. And with these I am becoming the woman God has called me to be.

Thanks for letting me vent. I know that God has called me to be forgiving. Seventy times seven. That means forgive everything. As tough as that is, just remember God has forgiven each of us who believe in Him. So, if you have done anything on my annoyance list know that you are still loved and forgiven!  In addition, I forgive myself to feeling annoyed. Haha. I do remind myself often that everyone has good intentions.